Disciplined

Whether liberal parents would like to believe it or not, children do like structure. They have no way of knowing what is right and what is wrong without someone giving some sort of guidelines to abide by. They may start off liking that they have no rules and pretend for awhile to be your friend because you are "the cool" parent, but shortly (and more sooner than later) those same wayward children will resent their so called "cool" parent because they are not well liked, they don't know how to resolve problems, and they don't know why they have to do what anyone tells them to.

Though I have written about parenting and discipline in various forms before, I am not referring to that same topic now. What I am recalling are all of those lessons I received while growing up and the benefit they have on me now. I am sure we have all received the same lessons in order for us to function successfully. However the one that seems to be resounding in me now is the one of having a clean home. These days with parents being so busy trying to keep a roof over their families' head and it being necessary to have 2 incomes, there doesn't seem to be time for teaching the importance of having a clean home. What I have learned over the years that its more important for there to be order, rules, a place for everything and everything in its place; so not to be rigid but to have freedom to deal with everyday issues that happen rather than allowing them to mount up into a mountain.

I suppose the lesson was really driven when watching the series on A&E network of Hoarders. These people may have never been the organizing type and for whatever reason justifies the filthy condition of their homes. They know there is a problem but when it comes time to solve it, they come up with so many excuses and reasons as not to get it resolved. The organizers find that with these people it is a mental condition that came about because of a traumatic situation such as a loss in the family, some physical ailment, or another mental condition that stemmed into hoarding. The last episode I saw was an educated woman who didn't go out to buy a myriad of new things but didn't throw away her garbage, It got so bad that she couldn't get to the bathroom and wore disposable adult diapers because of it. When the diapers were soiled, she didn't throw those way either. She finally got to the age where she was to retire and needed to have some sort of an income. Her daughter, who had lived in these conditions all of her childhood was looking to help her mother move but only if she found help to do so. When she came to see about her mother she told of how her mother could not even sleep in her bed but tied herself to a portal medical toilet so that when she dosed off she wouldn't fall into all of the mess she had created around herself. It was to no avail. She fell asleep and in so doing she fell with the toilet tied around her. She was wedged in and couldn't get herself out of it. They found her surrounded in her own waste.

In talking with her daughter she finally agreed that it was too much for her to even contend with so she was willing to move. She also agreed to have her home professionally cleaned so she could sell the home and have an income to live on while transitioning into a care facility. As the professionals came to assess the damage in the home and to clean it, they realized the cleaning process would be for the health of the mother to see what she had done over the years but the house in of itself had to be condemned. As they moved bag after bag of soiled adult diapers, the woman watched and smiled even made jokes about the garbage. The daughter didn't see the humor and had concluded that her mother could not live with her but had to be in a home for the elderly. She knew that the collecting would begin the moment her mother was in a new place - her home.

Its funny that the daughter claimed when she moved away from her mother that she did not pick up the habit of collecting garbage though she had lived with it her whole life. She made up in her mind that it was not a way she was going to live especially when she learned there was a better way. She found this when her friends in school would invite her to a sleep over. She marveled at the way others lived and set a goal for herself.

Would this not be true of anything we do? No matter what we have been taught from our parents, if we decide to do something different as long as there is a plan and determination in place, could it not happen? Would this also be true of one's health? Doctor's say that because of heretiary conditions, we will have the same problems as our parents. If one parent is diabetic, then we have a 50% chance of also being diabetic. If both parents are diabetic then it is inevitable that we will be also. But what if we were to study our parents and see that one would not stay home for one weekend but worked nonstop for the goal of just loving to work. Because of never resting and using caffeine as fuel, he had heart disease. Wouldn't it be common sense not to have that same kind of lifestyle so not to have the same results?

It is true that we tend to model behavior after those who raised us but its just not written in stone that we have to cling to the way they did things. Don't get me wrong, if it is good and it works, by all means, do that - but know what is good and what isn't. Both of my parents smoked while I was growing up. My mother smoked cigarettes and my father smoked cigarettes, a pipe, and occasionally a cigar or two. I liked the smell of the cigar and pipe but I never had the desire to smoke any of it. Granted when I was little I would go into their car and light up the butts left in the ashtray, but that was only pretending to be grown up. Once grown, (or in those few years) it made no sense to me to be spending that amount of money weekly just to burn it up. I didn't have to discipline myself not to smoke, I just decided I have no need for it.

What about you? Is it absolutely necessary for you to eat late at night or have the sweet snack just because you feel like having something sweet? Why do you procrastinate to do the laundry week after week? Why buy more clothes when all you have to do is wash what you have? Why make the landlord wait for the rent when you got your paycheck? He could have been one of the first people paid off. Why make excuses to not exercise when you know what the outcome of that will be? Clean up the mess you make around you. If nothing else, wash your own dish when you are finished eating. Make your own bed when you get up from it. Make sure you don't leave trash yourself when you get up from the living room. You don't have to wait for the NewYear to make the resolution, do it now! Establish a goal, write it down to make the steps to obtain it. Where do you see yourself 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years and so forth and so on? What I use to teach to my clients is, failure to plan, is a plan to fail.
(Proverbs 22:6 KJV)

Undisciplined

The purpose of a euphemism is not to be blunt as to speak the actual word intended. Some may have delicate ears and to sugar coat the word has the meaning without the harsh intent. The trouble with that is your point doesn't drive the listener home to do anything different  than what he or she has been doing. The euphemism causes the behavior to be shrugged off or a cute cliche is used to minimize change. One I recall often used is "boys will be boys." I wholly detest that phrase.

For this subject matter the title is a euphemism for wild. The term wilding was used in the 80's  for the behavior of teens in Central Park (located in New York) terrorizing pedestrians for no other reason than being bored. Take one of those teens and place that one teen in a tiny position of authority; like behind the register of a fast food joint, the dispatcher to get your cab, the teller at a bank, the customer service rep to get your utilities turned on, (to name a few) and what kind of conversation would you have in order to get from point A to point B? I had such the conversation.

It was such a simple request. A request that many have had and created a position for because of the high demand. What was that hiring process like? Was the employer manipulated with sob stories about feeding hungry children or a parent needing a kidney? Or was he just on drugs? What would possess a relatively intelligent HR official to actually use the phrase, "you are hired" to an individual I had the displeasure of speaking to? All she had to do was schedule me a shuttle from one very popular place and back to my original destination. She had all of my personal information and then asked me for a numbered address. It is a very large and well known place that takes up most of the city's block, on a corner, of two well known streets in our area where many shuttles have been over and over. She persisted with getting from me a numbered address. All I could picture was a list of addresses that the shuttles frequent within arm's reach and she refused to say that she knew what and where I was speaking of. She maintained that without the address I could not get a shuttle and if there was anything else she could help me with. "Yeah, pull up mapquest (c) on the computer you clicked all of my information on and add in the address you....you..." No, I didn't say that though I was frustrated enough to use a few choice words. She had what she needed from me and refused to do as I requested. No matter what I said, I could hear the attitude rise in her voice, the sheer pleasure she got to hang up the phone satisfied with the last word being, no. I called back hoping to speak to a completely different person. The attitude was such a marked improvement and if I didn't have the address, she would have looked it up.

But this behavior is also noted when on the inside with the coworker. I have a tendency to focus on the job at hand. If there is a long line, I have been trained to do whatever it takes to get the customers what it is needed so they don't have to wait. I put myself in their shoes knowing that I would  be annoyed, standing for a long period of time to spend my money for an establishment to continue to give me poor service? That makes no sense. So there I am working like a banshee (that means really hard) and my coworker stops me to have some really and truely asinine conversation. She is off duty but has the attitude seeing that we are coworkers, I should stop doing what I am hired to do and talk. When I didn't, she paused like I am the crazy one!!!

What is going on? If I complain about poor serivce - the service gets worse or I don't get service at all. If I don't wish to eat raw chicken, burnt toast, or eggs that are too runny I risk getting a plate of disguised spit. If I honk at someone about to side swipe me, the probability of that person having road rage has gone from socially unacceptable to "why did you have to honk at him"? Yes, that would mean I am to blame for side swiping myself.

Those teens from the 80's have grown with children of their own. What wasn't learned is instilled in the fruit of their loins. Will they out number decency, morality, values, and ethics, or will anarchy be the norm?

A doctor told me he deliberately caught a disease just to see what it felt like. An elderly African American woman asked me in tears how would you answer the question, why are blacks dysfunctional, stagnate, and lack direction because it was asked of her. An elderly Caucasion man, after receiving help from me to work a computer, asked me where I learned all of that from? Oh, did I mention, I am African American. A Jewish woman having 4 children of her own, unbenounced to me, learned that I have 5 children. She stated, "you must really like sex!" She told me that she has only one daughter. When I learned otherwise I confronted her. She denied what she said and sheepishly grinned.

Busted? Yeah, we all have our schisms and issues (some call them demons) that we have to contend with - so contend, don't just step into the ring and lie down on the canvas. Punch back! Use an upper cut - something! Is it me or does one say, that's life and it is what makes the world interesting? Those people raised others to be just like them!

I remember when my mother would come home from work she would take off her shoes at the door which also happened to be the entrance to the living room. At the end of the week, having not worn the same shoes everyday, there were a collection of shoes that had to be removed every Saturday when we did major house cleaning. It was frustrating for the sibling, having been assigned the task to clean the living room, to remove the shoes every week. But it was done without an audible word - it is Mom's house. Because of Mom's habit, I had to make a conscious effort not to take my shoes off at the door of my own home. I still catch myself from time to time but I made the decision not to do that just so the living area can stay tidy and easier to clean. A small example still a colossal analogy for each and everyone of us to make a decision and use some effort behind it.

It is the difference of speaking what you feel and thinking before you speak. It is the difference between impulse and a quality decisions. It is the difference between acting on emotion and stepping back to look at the big picture. What are we teaching our children? They will be the next generation running the country. Will they treat others the way they would like to be treated so we can look forward to the future?

(Luke 6:38 KJV)

If Everyone Started Off as Equal

If anyone has ever struggled with purchasing school clothes for your children or remember the hassel in your own childhood to get the right look, hopefully you will be empathetic to what you are about to read.

I got this notice some years back that the elementary public school system was going to make it mandatory for all children to wear uniforms. My first reaction was that someone was reaching into my family and trying to control what I do with my children. My plan: I had to fight this. All of my reasoning seemed rational enough though I detested going through that mall maze with other parents trying to make the children happy with the latest fad. It would just be something different next season, costing more than you planned. Knowing some child wouldn't have it (more than likely mine) and compensating throughout the year was a guilt trip I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, no one should control what I do and don't with my children.

Given ample time, it came right to the last minute when my child was given notice to comply with the rules. Rules? A dress code has now become a rule for parents to abide by? I won't do it! I thought, looking at my child what I could afford and barely making ends meet, I knew financially and for peace of mind, it was the best thing for the children and to alleviate whatever administration was going through just to get the uniform rules passed.

All of my children have since graduated high school and have gone to college. My son recently mentioned what a good idea school uniforms were. He said the kids whose parents had more money couldn't lord their designer clothes over the poorer kids. I realized that it was a learning tool for the children to get to know each other looking beyond the outward appearance.

I thought about that for a moment and still dispelled with what might have been good intentions. Though the playing field might have been leveled for everyone to start out as equals, it is still the parents that caused the differences with the children. Those that wouldn't do for their children (clean, provide, find the right fit, laundry, etc.) didn't change their ways. Given a few semesters those same children who didn't have, due to neglect, had dingy shirts with missing buttons, the pants were too tight or too big and the hand-me-down shoes never did look well on anyone.

I might have struggled and fought the system for a moment or two, but when given an opportunity for my children not to be considered the lowest on the social curve, I met it and assisted with what I could do for them to desire to do more.

I have 5 children all of which are college bound. Degrees range from a family doctor to a culinary artist. I thank God that finally the government came up with a good idea where the only ones to blame for not catching the blessing is the parent.
(Proverbs 20:7 AMP)

Perspective

Whether you have faith to believe this or not, just put it in perspective and use what you can get from these words.

Gone are the days where the woman believes she can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and will never let him forget he is a man. Gone are the days when the woman thinks she can do it all and have it all too. Gone are the days where the man continues to be a workaholic and have no time for anything else. Why are those days gone? Because we know better and that kind of thinking  can put us in an early grave.

God created the world and all that's in it in 6 days. On the 7th day, He rested. The bible says we (people) are made in His image. Why would we believe ourselves greater than the Creator? If He saw the need the to rest at, the end of 1 work week, why would we?

Not having that kind of belief? Alright, then let's go back to thse days previously ,mentioned that have long since gone. Women's Lib brought the idea that a woman can have a career, manage a home (with children), and keep her husband happy. Studies have shown the increase women were having with their health as well during that exact same era. The complaints came later with being exhausted and realizing the domestic engineer was a thankless job in of itself. The resolve to those complaints  were the increase of the divorce ratew. We can quibble witht he term irroncilible differences - but, com'mon it is just polite legalease  for "I need some help and you aren'[t willing to do that."

This would also answer to a woman doing it all and having it all - including children. This era was when a woman stated a ,an wasn't necessary for her to raise a family. We have since regained the perspective and see the need children have for a father. Along with craving discipline, it is well known that the patriarch factor in a child's life is paramount for emotional, mental, and an overall well being of health.

The workaholic man has become a thing of the past because he has seen how he loses more than he gains without time to eat properly his health deteriorates. A diet of black coffee and fast food increases all sorts of health factors that he did not always have. Spending no time with his spouse allows her to seek what she needs elsewhere and the father is more of a stranger to his children. Why work all of the hours to provide when all that he provides for is lost?

There are some stats of the well balanced and well rested human being of which I will provide in a later post. For the purpose of this post, however, you might not have the faith to believe what is written in the bible but you cannot continue to be ignorant of what man has observed with experience and discovered with experiments. Keeping balance in your life is a means of maintaining a long and healthy one.
(Genesis 2:2 KJV)

Raising Cain

No one expects to raise a child like Cain from the bible. You have your children and you are supposed to love them equally but there he is. Looking at his parent and you know what kind of child he is yet instead of many parents doing what they need to with that child, they leave the child for the grandparent, an Aunt, a compassionate neighbor, someone who said they like children, or the public school system; as if they are appropriate parents or have the same kind of love a parent should have for his child.

Children usually will tell you why they are the way they are. They just don't start off being brats. Its taught to them and its acceptable somewhere. So now the child finds where else that behavior is acceptable. And sooner than later he often does.

Maybe its that Cain was assigned the tiller of the soil and he would have much rather been keeping the sheep. No one asked. It was just done. Would that also be true for our children today? Some of us can look at them and just know what they would do well in and some of us have said too much it was wrong. How do we see or know what is the best path for our children? How do we raise responsible adults so they could be happy and we, as parents, can be pleased with the work they are doing?

I was nine years old when my sister was born. I remember babysitting her and teaching her things she had no idea existed. One of those things was being compassionate. She would get angry with me for taking her toy, bawl her little fist up, throw it behind her back for the most power she could muster to hit me for taking what belongs to her. It was hysterical, but I didn't laugh. Instead I let out a huge wail of a cry just to see what her reaction would be. She was surprised and stared for a moment. She put her little hands on her knees to bend down and study the expression on my face and then said quietly, "shh, shut up. Don't cry." Then I pretended to sniffle and look at her. She would pat my face and say again, "shut up." I would ask for a hug and she would ask me afterwards, "better?" I answered, "better," while nodding my head. She sighed in relief looking as if she never knew she could cause such damage. But it was a lesson learned that she maintained all while she was growing up being aware if she hurt anyone and what she could do to make it all better.

As I became an adult and learned about our social environment, I found that being cruel and selfish aren't taught. That seems to come naturally, but compassion is a decision to have and to be cultured for it to be intuitive. But this is one of the things that comes with discipline as one raises a decent human being.

Children don't have much to do. As they get older, a responsible parent gives his children chores while the child is still learning to habitually be hygenic. These chores, as much as they hem and haw in doing them, gives the child a sense of well being. The child is less likely to trash something that he has cleaned on a regular basis. When his friends come to visit, the child will make sure that the house (or his room) is kept in the manner that it was before his friends came in. This would not be true of a child who is allowed every benefit (car, ipod, own cell phone, own computer, and every new electronic device known to man). Why should he? He knows that in time he will get everything he asks for without any effort of his own doing.

My now ex-husband told me a childhood story that left me stunned at the prospects of what the parents of the house would do to their child. The child knew better not to have company over when his parents weren't home but did it anyway. My ex was one of those five boys that came over. When they were all relaxed laughing and joking amongst themselves, one of the boys fell into the diningroom wall and left an impression of his behind in it. He was surprised at first, but then busted into a raucous laughter as with the other boys. But the child who resided there wasn't laughing and started to end the gathering. But the boys were having too much fun and before he knew it, one of them had put his foot in another wall. They were all hysterical with laughter when they all decided to do the same thing. As my ex was telling me this, he could barely contain himself, still laughing at what he had done as a child. I asked, "what did the boy do when his parents got home?" The laugher in the voice of my ex became soured and he was a little annoyed that my question would ruin such a pleasant childhood memory for him, "I don't know," he said with no concern.

Sure that was then, but what I saw was that he was the same little boy who didn't think anything was wrong with it back then and would more than likely have the boys will be boys attitude now. What's happened with this generation? Haven't we learned what to say and not to do from our parents or are we going to disregard all of their experiences. Why do we have to be burned if our parent told us that the stove is hot? Do we really have to see for ourselves? Experience can be the best teacher but it can also get you killed.

So how would one raise Cain to be a responsible, successful adult? Dilligently, affectionately, prayerfully, and if you don't have the patience to do any of those things, professionally. In other words, take Cain to someone who is willing to do what you won't.
(Proverbs 22:6 KJV)